Monday, December 31, 2007


In 2008 I will turn 41 years old, and will in no way be able to duck adulthood any longer. As such, I make the following resolutions in the interest of becoming a responsible, productive member of society:

  • I will endeavor to convince the English to stop spelling "orangutan" with a hyphen.
  • I will use the indefinite article "an" before all words beginning with the letter "h."
  • I will never end a sentence with a preposition.
  • I will lose ten pounds by exhaling twice as often as I inhale.
  • I will always tip exactly fifteen percent of the bill (before taxes).
  • I will learn to sign my name with my left hand.

Several years ago I resolved to double my weight, and then lose it all, in the course of the year. I didn't succeed. I am much more sanguine this time.